Consider the Lillies of the Field....

Athena in the lavender fields at the Young Living Farm, June 2006

Before May 2007, this scripture didn't mean much to me. In fact, I wasn't even sure it was a scripture, I just knew it was part of hymns. How's that for being well studied?

Well, it means something to me now.

Did you ever know someone who, when they needed an answer from the Lord, would flip open their scriptures and turn to the exact thing they needed? Yeah.....that wasn't me. I hate to say I was a little jealous of people like that. It seemed like an easy way to get an answer.

I spent all of April and May of 2007 trying to resurrect our food storage business. I had prayed about it, gotten an answer that we would do it again (just neglected to ask when), and went full steam ahead doing pricing, building a website, the whole nine yards. It pretty much sucked up all of the month of April.

Mind you, by May 2007, times were tough in the Jones household. Scott had been sick and out of work for 4 months, we were coming to the last of our own usable food storage and the bills were piling up. I remember in April our water got turned off for 3 days and I cried and cried (needless to say this wasn't the last time a utility was shut off and I suprisingly learned to roll with it quite well). Then our internet got turned off. The good lady at Bresnan felt so bad after I told her my sob story that she said she'd turn it on for 4 more days until we could possibly get payment. In my head, being online was the ONLY way I personally was going to bring in $, so I was not in good shape.

I had actually started calling around seeing if there were openings at various businesses. Something I thought I'd never do, but it was crunch time. It was actually quite difficult to bring myself to do it, mainly because it would mean leaving my babies at home with Scott, who was sick. I remember sitting on my porch with the phone book open making call after call, crying in between. When the Lord told me to stop job hunting, I was actually a little sad because I had no clue what else to do. I was told from The Lord that if I worked outside the home, Scott would take twice as long to heal and the dynamics in the family would be irreversably damaged.

So, that left me with trying to teach classes and attend births, and doing the food storage biz. Try as I might, there were no takers on any of it. I distinctly remember a Saturday afternoon, sun starting to go down, it was quiet in the house, I laid on my sofa in the front room and just cried. I felt rejected, defeated, scared, alone...it was not a Hallmark moment for me. Most of all I was confused. I have these skills and resources, why are things not happening? I had never had any problems attracting business in the past. I opened my scriptures, and I prayed that the Lord would take mercy on me and just send me a scripture when I opened them.

3 Nephi

25 And now it came to pass that when Jesus had spoken these words he looked upon the twelve whom he had chosen, and said unto them: Remember the words which I have spoken. For behold, ye are they whom I have chosen to minister unto this people. Therefore I say unto you, take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?

26 Behold the fowls of the air, for they sow not, neither do they reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?

27 Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature?

28 And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin;

29 And yet I say unto you, that even Solomon, in all his glory, was not arrayed like one of these.

30 Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is cast into the oven, even so will he clothe you, if ye are not of little faith.

31 Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?

32 For your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.

33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you.

34 Take therefore no thought for the morrow, for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient is the day unto the evil thereof.

So, when I read that, honestly I was angry. It's not what I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear that if I did XY and Z, I was going to get money. If I tried hard enough, Scott was going to get better. If I was righteous enough, food would magically appear. I didn't want to hear, 'don't worry about it'. Seems stupid now, but at the time I was drowning in our problems, and when your drowning you don't want a 'don't worry about it', you want a 'hey, here's a life vest, and a big boat, and strong men to save you right this second'.

So, I tried to disregard that the Lord had actually given me an answer through the 'flip open the scriptures and read the first verse you come to' approach that I had been wanting my whole life. I know what you're thinking...O ye of little faith, is right.

Come the end of July, it was apparent that the food storage business wasn't going to work just then. I recieved an answer to a question I didn't ask, but should have, when I asked if we should do the business again. I was told that it was not the right time. I could have saved myself A LOT of work and misery had I asked the question "when?". Lesson learned that I hope I'll never forget. I was also drained from trying to drum up business for birth and health classes or doula work. I just gave up. I'm a huge believer in "faith without works is dead", and so that was my consolation this whole time I was killing myself trying to earn money, but what I learned is that you can't force things. I was trying to force the Lord's hand and make him give us money, health, and resources on MY timetable, using the reasoning that I was working for it, I earned it, I deserve it, now give it to me.

These were the scriptures I was clinging to:

Matthew 7

7 Ask, and it shall be given you;
Oh, I was asking, pleading and begging, so why wasn't I receiving?

seek, and ye shall find;
I was looking in every crack and couch cushion I could find (literally)

knock, and it shall be opened unto you:
I was banging on the door and yelling to get let in!

8 For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.
So here is where I was just beside myself.

9 Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone?
No one! I said to the Lord. So, where's my bread?

10 Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent?

11 If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?

Yeah, so.....help me please! I hate to say it, but I was feeling abandoned and betrayed. My faith was waivering big time. But again, I wanted it on my timetable. In my head, we NEEDED it on my timetable. I was completely justified in expecting it when I needed it, right? wrong.

I was being taught multiple lessons. Patience, trust, learning to ask 'when', faith. All of our needs were always met, often (as I mentioned before) in the 11th hour. It took time, and multiple experiences, but I hopefully learned the patience, trust, and faith the Lord was asking me to cultivate. It was hard, because we were denied almost every safety net out there. The only safety net was The Lord. Had I learned to lean 150% on The Lord sooner, I know we would have been much happier. I don't know if our burdens would have been lifted sooner, but I certainly wouldn't have walked around completely occupied in the thoughts of getting getting getting all the time. When you are always thinking about how to get the next meal, how to get $4 in gas to get to the storehouse and church and back for the month, how to get a coat for your 5 year old that winter, how to meet your most basic of needs, it's exhausting and depressing and leaves no time for anything enjoyable, service oriented or fun. I wish I could have let those worries go and just let the Lord take care of them like the scripture said.

That day in May '07 was not the last time I would flip open to that scripture in 3 Nephi. In January and February 2008, when I was in the depths of a dark depression and not interested in living anymore, the Lord allowed me to flip open my scriptures to those verses 3 times. It would send me to my knees everytime, and also let me know that it was no coincidence I kept on being sent to those passages. It afforded me a measure of strength that helped me hold on, keep going, and work on letting go of my control issues and trying to force the Lord's hand. I also realized that even though I was massively desperate to feel happy and joyous again, the only real way out of our dark moments - emotionally, spiritually or otherwise - was in and through The Lord.

In coming full circle, the Lord allowed me to flip open to those verses again, after Scott had been working and commuting for a month. Almost a full year after reading about the lilies of the field for the first 'real' time, I flipped open to it again. It took on a whole new, literal meaning. I now know that the Lord will clothe and feed me and my family, literally and figuratively. Maybe not in the ways I want or expect, or on my timetable, but remain faithful....it will happen.

It only took me 11.5 months to really understand that chapter. Hopefully now the Lord will allow me to tackle another.